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Evolved Mommy | April 28, 2015

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Acceptance - Evolved Mommy


| On 20, Oct 2013

For the past week or so my mind and spirit have been focused on the word acceptance. It has come up in my personal God time, in church and it has stayed present on my mind. I had no idea that at the end of this week it would become absolutely necessary for me to feel acceptance.

Pregnancy Loss Acceptance

Scarlet, the Acceptance Tree

One of the most powerful tools in my spiritual tool kit is the serenity prayer.

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

In his book “The Serenity Prayer”, Trevor Hudson says:

We need all the grace and help and power that God can give. But when we are able to accept what cannot be changed, the seed of peace planted in our hearts begins to germinate and grow. As time goes by, we gain the precious gift of serenity.

God knows that I am easily distracted, and He has to present things to me in a creative way in order for me to pay attention.

Sitting in Sunday School last week a couple of sweet ladies from the Healing Touch ministry were sharing how they help people who are sick or hurting through a process that looks very similar to a massage, but also incorporates prayer and channeled energy.

While demonstrating the process on a woman who was mourning the recent loss of her beloved dog, several members of the congregation who have benefited from the Healing Touch ministry shared their stories. One is a well-known local man who was given one year to live on his stage four cancer diagnosis. It’s been four years since that diagnosis.

Another was a grandmotherly woman whose husband was terribly addicted to Oxycontin. He was not at all willing to admit he had a problem or do anything about it. So after many years of marriage she found herself beat down from the exhaustion of trying to care for him all while being on the receiving end of his anger, rage and resentment.

I thought, how in the world could healing touch help this woman? She was not sick or hurting.

It wasn’t a pain that needed healing in her. It was her own perception of her life and what she did and did not have control over.

Healing Touch gave her the gift of acceptance. She stopped fighting her husband, stopped protecting him from the consequences of his actions and accepted that if he continued on this path he would probably die.

He did not get well. In a year he died. And she has accepted that reality.

She said the moment she received the gift of acceptance, an amazing peace washed over her and for the most part remained.

My Painful Acceptance
A few weeks ago Steve and I found out that I was pregnant. We had been having these ridiculous argument over the past few months and struggling with the state of our relationship. We love each other. Why were we having such a hard time?

But when those two pink lines showed up on that pregnancy test it all came into perspective and we were thrilled at this surprising turn of events. The world is much bigger than who forgot to include whom on a calendar event for a school fundraiser.

So I made an appointment for a prenatal visit and started thinking about names and tiny onesies and a bigger car.

Then something happened and I didn’t feel pregnant anymore. The tiredness was gone. The nausea wasn’t there. Something didn’t feel right. The doctor brought is in for an early ultrasound and after a few tense moments found a tiny baby with a heartbeat. We set an appointment for a followup ultrasound a week later and suddenly I felt pregnant again. The tiredness and nausea returned. I touched my belly a lot and prayed for that itty bitty little pea-sized human in there.

This past Friday we went in for the follow-up ultrasound, just sure everything was absolutely fine. It wasn’t. There was no heartbeat. No healthy baby.

I cried.

And cried.

And Cried.

This surely isn’t real. We are normal, healthy people. We’ve had one healthy baby.

But it was real and suddenly I was faced with no other option than acceptance.

We all have different tools for coping when these things happen. Because the nature of my introverted (yes, introverted) personality I vaguely turned to Facebook, whom I sometimes consider one big friend with multiple personality disorder.

Most people are more private than I am and would never broadcast a miscarriage at just nine weeks pregnant, but to me not saying something would’ve been like lying to a close friend.

Here’s the thing: do y’all know how many of you have experienced miscarriages? After the private messages, texts, comments and emails I received I’m starting to believe that somewhere around 80% of my friends have had at least one miscarriage.

If you’ve had a miscarriage please know that you do not have to bear that heartbreak alone. Many of your friends, whether you know it or not, have experienced the same and have had to come to accept it as reality.

Here’s the post I put on Facebook, including the touching and supportive comments. My mom is Pat Funk and she rarely comments, but when she does it is powerful.

Scarlet, The Acceptance Tree
We planted a tree because it seemed like a delightfully appropriate thing to do. We chose a Scarlet Oak because it is strong and beautiful (not likely to die) and it makes acorns, which is one of our 4-year-old’s favorite things.

Have you ever had a miscarriage? How did you come to acceptance?

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  1. I’ve had three – all first trimester (at six, seven, and 10 weeks), and all so, so hard. You have to allow yourself to go through the grieving process, even though there may be (well-meaning but clueless and insensitive) people telling you that it’s not a big deal since it was the first trimester. It is a big deal – you’ve lost a baby. Mourn – and be OK with your mourning. For me, acceptance came when I allowed myself to fully grieve – to give each baby a name and to commemorate each of them in a meaningful way. For me, it was getting each of them a little personalized Christmas ornament. I hang them on the tree where only I will notice them, but it gives me great comfort to acknowledge that they each lived, if only for a short time.

    I love it that you planted a tree – that’s a wonderful remembrance. You will make it through the valley, and you will be OK, but you will never be the same. If you do get pregnant again, be prepared – you will never again have the “innocence” of a “normal” pregnancy. You will face the fear of losing that baby every single day – but you have to wake up every morning and say, “Today I am pregnant, and I will celebrate today.” One day at a time, you will make it through.

    You are in my prayers, and you are most definitely not alone. Thank you for sharing, and don’t be afraid to keep sharing as you grieve. God will put people in your path to comfort you – embrace that and draw strength from it.

    • evolvedmommy

      Mistie, thank you so much for your reassurance and encouragement. I do feel guilty for grieving such an early pregnancy, so that’s something I’ve got to come to terms with.

  2. Prayed for you after reading your post this morning, Stephanie. I lost my first baby, and even after having three children (alive and well) it hurts. May you feel God’s blessings and comfort upon you today.

  3. I’m so sorry to read this, Stephanie. There is so much that we just have to accept, and it’s so hard. That beautiful tree is going to bear a lifetime of color and light for y’all.

  4. Oh, Stephanie. I’m sending love and prayers. I’ve been right where you are. There is no timeline for acceptance or for moving through the grieving process. Just know we are right here, holding your hand along the way.

    • evolvedmommy

      Thank you so so much.

  5. There is no timeline for acceptance, healing or grief. You will feel bad until you feel better. Don’t rush the process. Let it happen and respect the things that’s happened to you. You are loved by so many.

  6. Stephanie, Beautiful words. So sorry to read this. I LOVE the remembrance y’all chose. Thanks for sharing.

    • evolvedmommy

      Thank you. I’ll take all the prayers I can get right now and I don’t mind shamelessly asking for them.

  7. I am so sorry my friend. I have had 8 pg losses, each one is so hard. I’m pg now (16 wks) and trying to allow myself the joy but it’s not easy. Remember to give yourself the time to grieve. Hugs and love.

    • evolvedmommy

      Oh wow. I am so so so sorry. Congrats now though! Love backatcha.

  8. Thank you so much for sharing your story and in such a beautiful way. Did you know there’s technically more to the Serenity Prayer? We say the full one in CR and I love the lesser known portion best. I don’t know if it helps or not, but this is the full one:

    Serenity Prayer

    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    Living one day at a time;
    enjoying one moment at a time;
    accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
    taking, as He did, this sinful world
    as it is, not as I would have it;
    trusting that He will make all things right
    if I surrender to His Will;
    that I may be reasonably happy in this life
    and supremely happy with Him
    forever in the next.

    • evolvedmommy

      Thanks you Jamie. I did know the Serenity Prayers was longer, and interestingly that second piece was added later. I’ve spent some time studying this prayer because it is so powerrful and simple.

  9. Stephanie, I am so so sorry to hear about your loss. I have been there too. I don’t understand why these things happen and I absolutely hate that it happened to you. I’ll be praying for peace and comfort for your aching heart.

    • evolvedmommy

      Thank you so much and I’m sorry that you’ve been here. It’s amazing how many of my friends have had to experience this. Heartbreaking, really.

  10. I haven’t, but know so many who have. And being pro-choice doesn’t mean I don’t recognize that you’ve lost a love you were expecting to bring to birth and the world. I’m so sad with you and for you for your loss. I’m so inspired and proud to know you that you would open up about something so intimate and personal in a way that will certainly help others find the serenity to accept what they can’t change. Peace for your heart…

    • evolvedmommy

      Hey Phyl,
      Thank you so much. There are some things that I feel compelled to write. Even though this is one of those life experienced I kinda wish I didn’t have, I am grateful that my experience will help someone else, even if I never know who that is.

  11. I’m so sorry. I’ve been here and it hurts. Thinking of you and sending strength and peace.

    • evolvedmommy

      Thanks Ann. I’m sorry you’ve been here. :(
      Today will be just as hard if not harder than Friday. Getting ready to go to the hospital now.

  12. I’ve had 4 miscarriages, within a 10 year span of trying, with my last one being at 13 weeks. As an unbeliever back then, it was just one more reason why I didn’t believe. Of course, 3 years after those, I had my Truett.

    You will think about it often, then a little less….and you’ll go through the emotions when you hear of someone else who is pregnant or miscarries. But just remember, everything is in God’s time and when He blesses you with a precious combination of you and your husband, that y’all will also have a little angel watching over their sibling. It may sound ‘out there’ but If Truett hadn’t had his 4 siblings watching over him from above, he may have gotten ran over by that bull, stepped on by that horse, or drowned in the pond. But he didn’t……

    Hugs and prayers from the Falcon family.

    • evolvedmommy

      I’m really sorry for your losses. Your words are so open and thoughtful and comforting. Thank you for taking the time to share with me.
      And you’re absolutely right.
      Hugs and prayers back to you.

  13. So sorry for your loss, Stephanie. Been there. :(

    • evolvedmommy

      I hope you are doing well and I’m sorry that you’ve been here. I’m certain 80% of my mama friends have had at least one miscarriage. I want to give you and everyone a huge hug right now.

  14. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks back in March. It was honestly the most difficult time in my whole life. Richie and I have been trying to have a baby for almost four years and when we saw those two pink lines we felt is if everything we had hoped and prayed for had finally come to fruition. Sadly that was not the case. I struggled with finding the right way to mourn or to feel acceptance. In May I painted a picture and wrote a poem which I published on Arkansas Women Bloggers.

    Thinking of you in this difficult time. This is definitely a club that it really sucks to be a part of.

    • evolvedmommy

      Oh my gosh Julie,
      My heart is breaking for you. I am so so sorry. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with me. I will be praying for you. Hopefully we’ll get to see each other again before AWBU next year.

  15. Shannon

    Love you, love you. I so appreciate the definition of serenity. Prayers, my friend.

    • evolvedmommy

      Thanks friend. I love you, too.

  16. I wish I could give you a great big hug. We know of only one loss–I stopped taking tests at some point because I didn’t want to know anymore. We have a Christmas decoration, because I had already bought one, and we put it on the tree every year. I love your tree idea. We planted one for my dad after he died.

    Deep breaths, my friend, we all grieve in different ways. My prayer is that you and Steve find peace and comfort.


    • Before Ladybug, something very similar to what you went through happened to me almost four years ago now. Two early ultrasounds, and a happy heartbeat, then nothing when we went for the third. For me, I just leaned hard on God. I also looked hard at some things in my life that were causing harmful and unnecessary stress and changed them.

      There is no one way to grieve your loss. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

      There’s is a Share group for pregnancy and infant loss on the second Thursday night of each month at the Circle of Life Hospice in Springdale.

      • evolvedmommy

        Thanks so much. Leaning on God is what is holding me up. I’m not sure I’m ready for a group, but I am glad to know it’s there if I decide I want to go.

    • evolvedmommy

      I think your strategy is a smart one. Someone shared that they think we are just more aware of our miscarriages thanks to the early pregnancy tests.
      I like the Christmas decoration idea, and may do that, too. Here’s hoping we don’t end up with an enchanted forest of acceptance trees in our backyard.

      Thanks for the prayers. I fell them.

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